Unfinished Commons Entrance Source of Chaos and Disorder on Campus

By Jake Levine

Citing the unfinished commons entrance as the source of intense anxiety and confusion amongst the student body, university officials have been scrambling to assure students that construction would be beginning as soon as possible. “I mean, it was supposed to be started months ago, but it should be started soon,” said one university spokesperson*, eyes darting back forth. Leaning in close to me, he whispered fearfully, “But I just don’t know anymore…”

The promised ramp and “grand entrance” was meant to begin construction earlier this semester, yet the makeshift door and paved path leading towards it remain vacant and utterly haunting. Yet it is not the barren, desolate space that haunts the collective souls of Drew University; instead, it is the uncertainty of whether or not students can use the entrance.

João Pedro Martins Pinheiro (C’19) remarked, “No one knows what to do with it…can we use it or not?” Pinheiro appears haggard, with a tired gaze frozen with fear. “I’ve lost sleep over it, man…I’ve used it like a couple of times, but only when following someone else so that if they’re wrong, I can say that it was them, not me. I can’t even imagine using the door on my own… What is it doing to me?” he fearfully remarked to me.

A hushed fear has fallen over campus, and the leviathan of the unfinished door has cast its horrid shadow over the collective consciousness of Drew University, invading the minds and dreams of its students. Horrid nightmares, in which you wake up silently screaming and unable to make a sound, have corrupted the peace and relative ease that once existed on campus. I do not know when the new Commons entrance will finally begin construction or when it will be completed. Are we even allowed to use it? What, in the name of everything holy and sacred, is its current purpose? From Drew University, I’m Jake Levine. God help us all.

*Disclaimer: This article may or may not contain alternative facts.

Jake is a sophomore History major and Art History and French double minor.

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