The Truth About Global Warming

It is so refreshing to finally know the truth. All my life I was terrified of CO2 and its allegedly devastating effects on nature, but I can finally stop worrying about it. Just recently it has been proven that there is absolutely no correlation between CO2 and global warming (if global warming even exists–those Chinese are sneaky). It is such a relief to sleep soundly now that we know that human actions have no role in the temperature of the planet, and it is only a matter of time before other scientists (the ones that have been shamed and silenced for the past few years) step up and publish their much-awaited articles. Just you wait–soon enough, articles disproving the endangered status of the bumblebee will surface. They will be followed by footage of the unchanging ice caps; it is about time we stop fearing their melting.

I simply cannot wait for them to also disprove the role of pizza in obesity. As a firm believer that junk food is healthy, I think it is a shame that we live in a society that chastises our food tastes and tries to glorify the vegetables with claims that they “help you live healthy lives”. After all, what’s better–being healthy, or being happy? Not only that, but now that we have a smart man like Scott Pruitt in charge of the EPA, I know that we are on the right track to truly Make the Planet Great Again™. After all, he was a strong advocate on disproving the dangers of “mercury poisoning”, and he has the right idea about fossil fuels and their role in our lives. Screw all those “eco-friendly” vehicles! They are just a snowflake scam trying to fool us into feeling guilty about the environment, the trees and other useless stuff.

I have been a fan of Pruitt for a very long time. I’ve admired his perseverance (after all, he did sue the EPA 13 times) and his role as the “leading advocate against the EPA’s activist agenda”. So I was very shocked and insulted when Donald Trump nominated him to run this agency. “Doesn’t he see this is almost offensive?!” I used to think. But after some serious deliberation I realized that Scott Pruitt is the only man for this job. His understanding of the environment and climate are superb, and he will not allow himself to be distracted by the liberal agenda and their radical ideas on industrial pollution, water crisis and science.

Now that we got you all worried about our sanity here at the newsroom, we want to let you know that, in actuality, we at the Acorn are very distressed by the recent statement by Pruitt. The EPA is currently in danger of being defunded and its new director used to be a strong advocate against the Administration. Here at Drew, we are a very environmentally-friendly campus and, therefore, we are responsible for spreading the word about these matters, and the entire student body is responsible for taking action.

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