Wall Undecorator, You Are My Hero

By Nate Chada

I’ll be frank—the person who keeps ruining the Tolley-Brown wall decorations? Whoever you are, you’re a goddamn hero. My goddamn hero. A frickin’ godsend.

Look, everybody else might find your actions to be toxic, destructive, pointless and all around just a dick move, but I get it. I understand you. Just like me, you are capital-T-Tired of having to walk down the halls of Tolley-Brown getting bombarded by all of these goddamn positive messages all the time. Get Your Mindset in the Groove? Disgusting. I’d rather wallow in self-pity and negativity than read any of that garbage.

Hell, if they’re helping my mental health in any way, shape or form whatsoever, it must be because seeing them destroyed makes me feel so much better about the sad, lonely, unproductive life I lead that leaves me with no better outlet for my frustration than to dismantle the work of others and silently enjoy the suffering my senseless demolition has caused. I know you must feel the same way, Wall Undecorator, or else you’d have never broken the mold in ways I could only ever dream of doing.

And if you’re anything at all like me, Wall Undecorator, you must also laugh at how the RAs make such a big deal about those construction paper flowers and hippy vans. I mean, who gives half a flying crap about the hours upon hours they spent making those things specifically so these barren, prison-like cinder block walls would look just a little more welcoming? They’re just paper, right?

But Wall Undecorator, don’t you think the time has come to find a new source of sadistic pleasure? These decorations are on their last leg. You and I, we need to move on to bigger, better things. Have you considered torturing animals? They’re just animals, right? Or how about bank robbery? Well, whatever you decide upon, Wall Undecorator, just know that I’ll be rooting for you. I look forward to watching your future work unfold.

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