By Nate Chada
I’ve been doing some math lately—surprising, I know—and something about this “Santa Claus” fellow just doesn’t check out. According to Google, there are about two billion children in existence on Earth—and that’s not even including the four and a half on Neptune. However, if the sacred songs are to be believed, Mr. Claus is currently in the process of “making a list and checking it twice.” Tell me, then, exactly how much time does one need to make a list of two billion names? I went ahead and tested it out for myself, and it took me about 366 days. In other words, even without checking the list twice, Santa Claus would never be done in time for Christmas.
That’s not the only thing fishy about Old Saint Nicky, though. Consider these lyrics from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” an ancient classic passed down from generation to generation:
“They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games (like Monopoly!)”
There are two problems here—let me lay them out for you. First off, everybody knows there’s no such thing as reindeer. They’re like the deer version of unicorns, except not as real. The bigger issue with this lyric, though, is that it is a proven fact that nobody has ever felt bad about not getting to play Monopoly. So, if Santa doesn’t get around using reindeer, how does he manage to deliver presents to two billion children in just one night? It’s simply not possible.
But there’s a simple, sinister explanation for all of this.
Santa Claus is a dirty Communist. Haven’t you realized it yet? “Santa Claus” is an anagram for “Karl Marx.” And think about it:
The man wears Soviet Russia red. He has seized the means of production, and he’s using those means to build toys so that he can distribute them to all children equally. And suddenly, everything makes perfect sense. With the means of production under his commie control, Santa can make that list and check it twice in almost no time at all. “Poor” Rudolph the Red doesn’t get to play Monopoly because the other reindeer are capitalist scumbags trying to keep the proletariat down. That’s why Commie Claus chose him to guide the sleigh that night—it’s all part of his Five-Year Plan. First, he gives toys to the children, all the while conditioning them to associate Rudolph’s redness with presents and joy and Christmas spirit. Then, five years down the line, once these kids have grown up, he indoctrinates them in his communist cult, leading them by the nose into his red regime.
But if we act now, we’ve still got time to stop him. This holiday season, say no to Santa. Tell your children that the presents they’re getting don’t come from a commie bastard. Lie to them. Say that you’re the ones buying their presents, that the presents are actually just part of the mass consumerism that results from good ol’ capitalism. Together, we can keep the communist threat at bay and push back Santa’s dastardly iron curtain.
Nate is a freshman.
Graphic from user scriminamp on YouTube.