Why Go Outside to Play Sports? Don’t Says Drew

Hosie 😉

The eSports craze has been spreading across the country, with colleges and universities putting together teams to compete against each other in a myriad of different video games. Drew did not want to miss out on the fun and the latest trends in collegiate athletics, but instead of choosing a game that students, or student-athletes can compete against other schools in, they chose Wii Sports, a noncompetitive eSports game. Wanting to inspire rivalries between residence halls like the rivalries that exist between frats and sororities, Drew has chosen to change all varsity sports to Wii sports. Since the university lacks both a NFL-caliber football team to cheer on at Ranger Stadium and a thriving Greek life scene to promote healthy attitudes towards alcohol and partying, the administration has decided to use athletics as a way to both unify and divide the student body.

While many students are excited for this change, it is not clear what will happen to the Athletics department. Rumors have swirled about coaches being assigned residence halls to coach, while others have said that their jobs will be converted to more high-level administrative jobs, focusing on squirrel reproduction and creating seasonally appropriate outerwear for the deer.  The coaches seem to be on board with the idea, as the athletic offices are going to expand to include the entire gym as there is no longer any need for students to use the gym as the workout facility. The new machinery will be moved to the DOYO, so that art students can use it when creating abstract paintings, they can use the machines as models for angles as well as for general inspiration. There has never been a more aesthetically pleasing object than a piece of workout equipment and the art department has ambitious plans to capitalize on that aesthetic.

In order to help athletes train for their upcoming Wii competitions, the administration has also made the bold decision to place flat screen TVs in all the rooms. The funding for this project will be coming from the lawn-mowing and leaf-blowing budget, as students will no longer have to spend time outside, so campus does not have to look presentable anymore. All students will also be supplied with Wii remotes and the Wii sports game, as all students are mandated to participate in the games. Sports will be assigned to students based on athletic ability, if the student has any aptitude in the sport, they will not be assigned is it. The reasoning behind this is that students will have to push themselves to become better at the sports, learning more about themselves by playing Wii games. Although not physically demanding or well-respected, the administration is sure that these games will benefit the student body as a whole, as everybody knows students should not spend time outside or interacting with others.

Drew will be withdrawing immediately from the Landmark Conference, as the conference does not support Wii sports as a Division III sport. Loyal fans should not despair, as they will be able to peek through the blinds on dorm windows to see how their favorite competitors are doing. In addition, current standings will be announced over campus loudspeaker at 4 a.m. every day, with an additional announcement at 7 a.m. on weekends so that students can stay abreast of the latest rankings.

Although this change from real-life athletics to Wii sports is sure to present some challenges and may upset some athletes, the administration is confident that this change will improve student health and well-being, and help to fill the void left by the lack of Greek life and an NFL-type football team.

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